Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Oh, the drama of Saddam!

I just find it so cute of him to keep up the defiant act! Like it makes any difference! All he needs now is to just become a big drag queen, wouldn't that be adorable! Imagine him in the courtroom with lipstick, heels and a boa on, throwing his temper tantrums! I swear, it makes me roll on the floor its so funny! He just HAS to be a closet drag!

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Spin Sycle.....my view

I can't exactly explain why the whole David Ludwig & Kara Borden situation bothers me so much, but it does. Here's my take:

18 year-old-boys (and I deliberatly use BOY here because there are many much more mature 18-year-olds out there who hold jobs, support themselves, better their educations, even serve in the military......are actually productive people) who mess with 14-year-old girls have something mentally wrong with them, like they still see themselves as that age instead of being a budding adult. A lot of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself, your life and your actions. This kid must live in a fantasy world where he can do whatever he wants without a negative consequence or care. How ego-centric and sick. Picking up a gun to shoot your girlfriend's parents isn't love, that is psychotic. Murder is very real and very permanent. What a way to enter reality and watch your fantasyland go up in smoke.

14 year-old girls who play sex games like sending naked pictures of themselves to others are no longer children. Sex is the dividing line and if a child makes the decision to cross that, they are wide open to all the upset, pain (emotional and physical), disease, weirdness and everything else that goes with it. Again, being an adult means you are responsible for yourself, mommy & daddy no longer are responsible for saving you. Sex games can lead to pregnancy and that's VERY real.....they can also lead to rejections that you're not ready for. I think she was involved in what happened but had no idea how far it could go. This girl will never be a child again, childhood is over.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that sex itself is bad. Sex is wonderful and fabulous, one of the many great things of being an adult. I'm a great fan. But sex belongs in the realm of the adult, not childhood. You should really consider what you are getting into before diving in.

What were they thinking, that they could kill and just drive away to be together forever? That's just.....stupid. And immature on a massive scale. What a huge lesson in foresight.

Feel free to hurl the abuse he deserves here: http://www.myspace.com/haydren

And that's the Spin Sycle.

Final Rinse: Hope he gets life, death is too easy for him and I hope she gets her act together, she may have to serve time as well, perhaps as an ADULT.

Sunday, October 2, 2005

So....a week after Rita....

For a few days there we had power, then we didn't have power....It was horribly hot! I think the power issue has finally been resolved, we havn't lost it for about two days so i think we'll be ok....

my favorite highlights from the weather channel:

-being told it was time to "hunker down"...I guess that was the theme for this huricane, "hunker down." What a stupid phrase.

-Having our friend yell at the TV every time Stephanie Abrams came on, to "take off your top!!!" That was really funny. We kept telling him he wasn't yelling loudly enough, after all, she was in Galveston.

-Watching Jim Cantore make fun of Houston traffic at a standstill. "They're moving at about a quarter of a mile per hour, I can walk that! Watch!" That was classic. I was rolling on the floor. Oh, and I appreciated the fact that jim Cantore actually pronounced "quarter" correctly. That's bonus points in my book.

I finally got to start at my job, I very much enjoy it. I just hope we can get the computer issues worked out.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

After Rita.....(it's not a margarita but an after-rita)

Well, we have our power back, my pretty plants are back out where they belong. Most of Houston won't totally re-open until tomorrow, which to me is silly. It is horribly hot again, the heat index expected to be 115 degrees. Just like yesterday. I have heard of people in some parts not having their power back and in this heat, that is deadly. The worst thing for us on that level is that our cable cuts out now & then.

These are the things that Houston will have to address because had the city been hit straight on like originally thought, we'd be crippled. Look at how badly things are right now with:

-getting power restored
-getting businesses back open & running
-getting water to people
-what was up with that bottle-neck when folks were evacuating? that was really bad. I'm not kidding when I say traffic sucks here.

on a personal note, I am depressed. I was supposed to start working at a new position (albeit a temp one) and left my old assignment to go. Well, they STILL don't have me set up to work (had I known that, I wouldn't have left so soon) and nobody seems to know when I'll get my approval to start working. I have a house to pay for and my car needs new tires, the belts are showing through! My biggest complaint is that ever since I moved here, I can't get regular work, no one will touch me. I'm stuck being a temp which sucks ass. I have skills, a degree and experience and I can't get hired into a regular job. Am I the only person with this problem? Is there no one else who suffers like this? It's unbelievably ridiculous. I want to work! I'm honest and reliable! I complete my tasks!!! I don't goof off talking on the phone all day or to co-workers! I just don't get it. I'm likeable too! I get along with people! Sorry for the rant, I'm just frustrated and depressed. These things make no sense to me and I don't know how to fix it.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Hurricane Rita part 3

Hurricane hit about midnight, saturday am.... Slept badly, kept waking up. Lots of wind, not much rain. Rain picked up more about 2am. Pine trees behind our house got blown around a lot but held their own. Still had electricity.

2:45 am to about 3:30 am central. Electricity flickered on & off

3:30 am to 4:00 am central. Lost power. Very heavy, loud winds. Sounded a lot like a wind tunnel or if you were on the beach, the volume on the waves was turned up all the way.

10:30 am central. It's like an October storm in Indiana, all grey & windy & rainy. Lots of water falling.

2:00 pm central. Rain over, more light throught the clouds, winds are a strong thunderstorm. Still no power. Can't see reason for no power. Winds still heading SSE.

3:30 pm central. Got power back. Still wearing PJ's & don't care.

4:00 pm central. It's all over, power back on, water back on, sunny outside. A/c going.

The lizard in my large bromeliad weathered the storm well. I saw him this afternoon.

We took very little damage, I don't think we even lost a shingle.
We are doing well, having a happy hurricane party. Life is good.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Hurricane Rita part 2



The neighbor behind us has boarded up his lower windows. We have pretty much decided not to board ours since they don't directly face the wind direction. People on our street are pretty calm, out exercising, the kids are playing. I think we feel like we've prepared as much as possible and are ready to ride this thing out.

There is a strong breeze and the air is comfy. Must be in the low 80's, it feels good.

You can kind of see in the latest picture (outside my house) the swirling pattern that the clouds are taking.

11:00 am central. The guys took off to see if anything was open, our friend must have convinced my husband that something should be done with the big window. I don't think anything is open at this point, but since they were going out, I asked them to see about getting some more eggs and some shredded cheese too (why not?). They'll probably be back here shortly. I was going to make breakfast but they left! I guess I'll just have a couple of pieces of toast to go with my kaluha & coffee.....the perfect drink for hurricane preparation. I'm trying to do as much laundry & clean up dishes as much as possible before this thing hits, so at least we can have clean clothes.

11:30 am central. The wind has picked up more now! More clouds are rolling in. The animals still are not acting any differently. The lizard that adopted my big bromeliad outside is sticking very close to it. I don't know much about lizards but I imagine this is normal.

Ok, somebody make it stop!!!! I'm sick of the media making a huge circus out of this storm!!! It's an awful attempt at trying to dish disaster before and after it happens, since they missed all that with Katrina!!!! I'm sorry for going on a rant here but could we please simply have relevant information and not all the speculative bullsh*t that they keep throwing in??? Stop making it a horrible train wreck that you've grown sick of hearing about but are too hooked to not look!!!! 4 million people evacuated...2 million people evacuated...does anyone know for sure? Can't the media, for once, stick to journalism and stay away from spectacular gossip? I don't care about speculation, I want to know what's going on now and what is coming and how I can prepare myself best! If things hit the worst case scenario, I need to know where to go or what to do! I don't even know what the emergency broadcast radio station is to tune into in case of a power out, what does NOAA broadcast on, am or fm? I need to know this stuff! CRIMENEY!!!! Sorry, I just needed to say that.

12:15 pm central. I suppose I'm being a bit neurotic by wanting to have stuff clean before this hits. I don't even understand it myself but there it is. My wrists really hurt!!!

We're supposed to start getting rain later tonight, I imagine we'll probably lose power shortly after. I'll do my best to get pictures to show later, as I promised in yesterday's post.

Since there's nothing else to do but wait, I think we should make a drinking game out of Rita! Every time thunder rumbles, that's a shot. Every time lightning strikes, that's a beer gulp or a drink of a mixed drink. yeah, that will be fun!

1:00 pm central. The guys aren't back yet, I hope they aren't too far & used up a lot of gas in my car. We might need it later! I've noticed more of our neighbors have boarded up & taped up their windows.

1:20 pm central. WHOOOAAA! The winds have really picked up into strong gusts now! Already a couple of large branches have blown down in our back yard! Not huge but big enough that they get your attention!

Oh! The disappointment! Rita is now a lowly CAT 3 hurricane!

2:15 pm central. My fingers, wrists and knees still are badly bloated. I don't know if these are storm signs but I can't stop sneezing today, finally had to break down & take something...and it's a good thing I decided to do the husband's laundry, I found ants trying to drill their way in! It's making its way in, stay tuned for more!

At least the guys called and are on their way back now! Nothin is open, only bars. I figured as much! I'm almost jealous.

2:45 pm central. Whoops! May have to shut down sooner than I thought, we just had a power flicker. Computer re-booted itself! I took a shot of the sky right after it happened but I'm having trouble sending it to myself so I can post it. May have to wait.

Forget saying a prayer for Texas, that's just wishful thinking! Take action & donate to the red cross!

Ok, the picture will have to wait. The tower must be having trouble. Here we go! The rollercoaster ride has begun!

3:30 pm central. It has gotten really hot again, must be upper 90's....and HUMID!!! I can't put anymore pics up right now, sorry.....my phone can't send a signal to my email for some reason. The server that hosts my cable modem isn't working too well either right now, it's very slow. But the clouds are getting darker, more circular-looking and the wind is stronger. The guys made it back & are out in the driveway watching nature's show. I'll still keep taking the pictures tho, just not sure when I can get them posted. The dogs (our friend brought his) are getting a bit agitated & testy...but I think the one dog was upset that his daddy wasn't home, he seems s bit better now. I'll stay on as long as I can. Some of our neighbors have opened up their garage doors to have their own hurricane parties & watch the storm approach. Almost all the neighborhood has done this with each storm we've had so far, especially when we all lost power....it's kind of cool. It's like a way to check on each other too, you can yell to each other if you need help or whatever.

This is funny....and they might get mad at me for telling but it's still funny....they guys are pretty happy & lying in the driveway letting the strong gusts blow over them....I just messed with them a bit, I'll try to get a shot!

Oh yes, that is funny!!! good shots! ^_^

5:15 pm central. The sky is much darker, you can feel rain in the air. It seems the hurricane will hit louisiana but I still think the eye will pass very close to where I am. There will still be a bad storm. We'll see what happens!

6:00 pm central. Skies are even darker now, lots of wind gusting, very blustery. Rain is spitting here & there, it's beginning. I understand that it's hitting the west edge of Louisiana....that really isn't that far from here. All the satellite images I look at still show me that we'll get a nasty dose of this storm. There's nothing else to do but wait for it all to happen.

Now, after a few minutes, the winds have died down to strong breezes again. It is much cooler now, I've had to put on a sweatshirt. The direction of the clouds has changed, they were moving north since yesterday, now they are moving south, a little slower than before. Just waiting for the big boom to start!

7:00 pm central. Now that it rained slightly earlier, the wind direction changed and it's gotten cooler, I don't feel so swelled up & my wrists, fingers & knees quit hurting. That's a relief! The animals still hav'nt really changed their behaviors.

The guys decided to destroy our old propane grill that was falling apart. For the last half hour, they've been hacking away at it with an ax, breaking the thing up into trash. The wind has slowed and the rain is still spitting here & there. There was a nice break in the clouds where the sunset streaked through so it was purple clouds with a bright yellow streak through it. Got the shot, it's very pretty. The wind changed to the southwest direction. Still waiting for the storm to hit!

my phone finally decided to work so i can post some pics! It's begun raining lightly, the storm making its way to the house. We're just watching the weather channel.

10:00 pm central. Ok, I'm going to be completely sarcastic here. Where's the monster storm cat 5 that the media kept going on about? It's a Cat 3!!! Where I am, Rita is peeing on us! I don't even know if it's still going to be a hurricane by the time it gets to me, it may just be a sad thunder storm! All these businesses, even the city of Houston itself shut down for this! There's no major catastrophic storm here! Maybe it will act up by morning but I doubt it! I'm a bit disappointed, not by the storm, nature does what it does....but by the huge media build up over basically nothing! What the hell? I don't mean to be ungrateful that there won't be a huge catastrophe like Katrina here....but if it hadn't been for the media hype, people wouldn't have been so freaked out over this! All that is happening in Houston is a lot of wind! I don't think they even have any rain! How crazy.

10:30 pm central. We just started getting some rain.
I expect to lose power overnight. At least I don't have anywhere to
be tomorrow. I didn't today either! Since things are not too exciting now, I'm going to shut down. Maybe there will be more to report tomorrow. We'll see!

See you after the storm!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Hurricane Rita

Well, I live about an hour and maybe 15 minutes north of Galveston....work has been shut down today & tomorrow, maybe even Monday if DT is still flooded (Houston has terrible water drainage, it's all concrete)....I don't get paid for it, I left my job Tuesday. I feel screwed money-wise. Anyway, Since yesterday afternoon, the air has been very still, it's sort of eerie. I managed to get plenty of food & supplies in the late morning, before everybody else left at lunch & freaked out running to stores. Traffic usually sucks anyway but now it's even worse, which is hard to imagine. People don't care driving, cut everybody off, just cut right in. You have to drive very aggressively to manage or you won't get anywhere.

For us, I figure the worst that will happen is power loss. There's a lot of trees that the wind has to go thru to get to us. We won't starve, we'll be fine, I made sure of that. We have gassed up to so our vehicles are taken care of. We have a friend who lives in Houston proper who is staying with us through this. It makes things more tolerable, more fun, we can all suffer through together! Oh yeah, we have the most important thing too to help us through this....lots of alcohol!!! But it is a little unsettling how still the air is.

Something big is coming at us, I can tell because yesterday afternoon, my wrists, fingers and knees swelled up really badly. A reaction to air pressure changes, I suppose. And it's so damn hot! It's over 100 degrees, I can't wait for things to cool down.

People wonder, I guess, if animals actually sense disasters before they happen.....i've been watching my dog & cat. The dog isn't any different so far, he doesn't care. He's just happy as always. The cat has been acting a bit agitated, he's more vocal than usual, but he's a little neurotic so i don't know how good of a gauge that is. He may just be reacting to me being home when I'm usually not. I feel a bit restless, like I need to do SOMETHING, not just sit around. I don't know if that's air pressure, you know, like when they say kids get to acting up right before a storm, etc. That might also be simply a reaction to being at home when I'm usually working.

2:00 pm central. Just went out & got the mail, noticed in our immediate neighborhood that only one house has boarded up their big picture window, one other house taped up theirs. I saw a couple of neighbors with their belongings packed on the top of their vehicles leave. Maybe we'll tape up our windows, I'm not sure. We talked about it a little but our window doesn't face directly into the direction the wind will be coming, we have no windows in that direction. There's a little breeze now, which makes the heat more tolerable. I guess this is the very beginning of the storm, I should take a cue from the other neighbors and bring my plants in now.

I can't say that I'm scared, I've lived through ice storms, blizzards, tornadoes, floods, even earthquakes. I've flown through a hurricane in an airplane, even flown through a bad electrical storm in a plane. That was probably the worst, lightning going on all around the plane, but I still managed to take a nap. I suppose the best word would be "apprehensive" since i've never been through a Cat 5 storm before. Yeah, in case you havn't heard, Rita is a Category 5 storm now. Well, this will be one more interesting story I'll have to tell. But I am confident that overall things will be okay.

3:00 pm central. Got the plants moved to the garage. Left a couple on the front entry, they should be protected by the wall since it is a west-facing entryway & hopefully out of any strong winds. The lizard that took up residence in one of the bromeliads seemed to object to his home being moved so I left it.

It is brutally hot! You can see the beginnings of large storm clouds coming in, absolutly huge, slow-moving clouds. The wind has picked up a little which is still the only thing making the heat bearable. I'm glad for air-conditioning.

The other people in the house have opted for a nap, which is probably smarter than me. I just can't bring myself to lie down for a while, just too wired. I see that NOAA has downgraded Rita to a Cat 4 now....so it's weakened a little.

Everything that can be done for preparations has been done, the Houston mayor has done an outstanding job of telling people to evacuate & working with the Galveston mayor and the state governor. I think it was very good timing & advice to tell businesses to let people go home yesterday in order to prepare. Human cost should be minimal from this. Regardless of federal involvement, Texas will take care of itself and so will its residents. Everything will be alright in the end.

Took a picture of the very beginnings of this about a half hour ago, you can see what it looks like from my house on the right of this page.

4:30 pm central. Took another shot, it's gotten a little dark all of a sudden! The main highways in Houston (I-45 and I think 59) have been converted to only out-bound and some of the exit ramps have been cut off because the local stores have run out of gas & food. I saw on the weather channel in one spot where the next exit wasn't for 90 miles. Glad I'm at home!



Wow, I'm morbid. It's almost disappointing that Rita was downgraded. When it was a Cat 5, it was the third most powerful storm! It was the big rival to Katrina, even more powerful because the millibars were lower, making it an even more powerful super-storm! Now it's a lowly Cat 4 storm.

5:30 pm central. Ah, the sleeping beauties have awakened! I saw that Rita was picking up power again, the hurricane eye winked. Also saw the traffic on 45 on the weather channel. That's gridlock for you! Why isn't the traffic moving? Good question, but you have to wonder where the head of that line is. Basically, you have A LOT of people here who simply don't know how to drive, who completely lack driving skills. Find out where the head of the line is and you might have the answer!

Even after we lose power & I won't be able to post for a while, I'll still do my best to get shots to post later.

I think it's time to start the party, it finally cooled to the mid-90's!

8:30 pm central. The guys went out to get cigarettes but found the gas stations all closed. They came back to use my car, it's fully fueled. I hope they don't end up too far. People are still stuck on the highway, running out of gas. I guess that fuel trucks are going up to help out, that will be quite a feat. I can see already that the handling of disaster traffic will be highly criticized. I sincerely hope some good will come out of it, some kind of constructive road planning.

Cool! The guys are coming back, mission successful! Cigarettes bought! Gas stations are open with everything but gas.


See you after the storm!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

About scared to death!!!

At first, after finding a black widow spider in our water meter box, the husband & I about fell over from shock. Neither of us had seen one up close & personal before, only heard about them! Instead of killing it, I did some online research to findout the truth about these things and since, if you are a healthy adult it can't kill you because it doesn't release enough venom into your body for that and because they tend to stay by their webs & not bother anyone, I'm going to take the road of leaving the thing alone for the time being. Besides, they kill bugs. The one con I can think of against the spider though is that well, she is a female & will lay eggs.....do we really want more of these spiders around? Maybe I can find a park or natural resources place that will take her & give her a home. I don't want to mess with it!

Friday, July 15, 2005

*sigh* happy birthday to me....

it's a few days late, happy birthday to me....i almost forgot it....i was so busy calling around about a job, i almost forgot my own birthday. i forgot to do something for myself. one more year closer to decrepitude.

you know, I am constantly amazed at how, as a species, it seems that one of our primary functions is to take things like experiences and personalize them. Let's take movies for an example. When you watch a movie, you can't just watch, you see it in your own perspective, your own personal filter and determine if you liked it or not, whether it was good or bad, depending on how you personalize it. By this I mean that you ask yourself (probably without knowing it), "what does this mean to me, how do I relate to this?" This is how fans are made, being a very deep level of relating a story that people deeply personalize. I wonder how in life this works, that maybe if we spend too long personalizing everything that we forget to relate to each other. We take so much time thinking about how everything effects us that we lose the big picture. I think it's easy to get lost in our own personal meaning of things and this is where we end up in arguments over trivial items, we are so lost in our personal experience that we can no longer relate and share experiences. Maybe we should try to be a little less serious and try a little less to internalize everything that we encounter. But that's just my thought.

Thursday, July 7, 2005

Woo hoo!

I have been liberated from my crappy job. Now the dilemma is to find a new one.

you know....

My real life is very boring. I have an incredibly active and interesting fantasy life though.

Thursday, June 9, 2005

Never fear, I'm not gone, just taking a while to write some more

I've quit obsessing about how long it's been sonce Mom died, so I figure that's a good sign that I'm ready to get on with life again. I have more to write later, there's a lot of things going on that I need to get how I feel off my chest, but that'll have to wait just a little longer!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Six & one half weeks after the funeral....

"From great suffering comes great wisdom" - the Buddha

I've had some time now to process all this thru my perceptions and my own filter now, wrestle with the meaning of it all....or at least what it means to me. Life is something that is actually very simple that we, as humans, tend to complicate and muck up. The only true meaning of anyone's existence-mine, yours, your grade school teacher's- is to learn to enjoy who you are and to learn to stop and enjoy each moment that finds you. Life is but a series of moments and the worst thing in life is to not know yourself and to enjoy your life. That's all that it is....it's not money, not power or politics, not popularity or how much you have accomplished or even what you may believe. Do you enjoy being who you are? Do you know who you are? Do you know yourself? This is the one true question in life that you must find an answer for. The other truly important thing in life is learning. You should learn all that you can throughout your life, this helps to define who you are even better. I have my answer, I know who I am and I have found my center. I now know how to be true to me and this is the most important thing. I should hope that the world would be a better place if we all learned to answer that one question and learned to define ourselves on our own terms, not someome else's. Dont' ever let other people define you, what do they know? You are the only person who can define yourself. It's not an easy thing to explain, lot a lot of things in life, you have to know it when you are ready and I suppose, when you have gone through a good deal of life. That we should all know ourselves, that would be my great hope for the world, but at least I know me and that's enough. i can live with that.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Grief Progress Report

I am very tired, I usually wake up tired and drained. doesn't matter if I went to bed early.

Friday was the first day in the past couple of weeks where I actually felt halfway decent (nowhere near normal, but normal has now been changed). I have found solace and comfort in taking up gardening. I find joy in starting seeds and watching nature take over from there, seeing the seeds burst open with new plants finding their roots. Things are still strange and surreal, but I also understand that when a person goes through an emotional trauma such as loss, the brain rewires itself as a reaction to deal with the loss. Thus the forgetfulness, the emotional drain and tiredness, the short temper. Normal has to be re-defined and it will take awhile. The French give a person a mourning period of a year and I think that's fair. I should be allowed to be sad for about a year.

I just don't feel very personable or sociable right now and nobody should take it personally. It's simply how things are until I get my bearings back. This kind of thing really screws your brain and thinking process up. My only wish is that I had the luxury of being able to take a leave of absence from work for about 3 or 4 months. I really need it to get my head back together. But as things are, I do not have that.

I am convinced that my mother wanted to die. Her increasingly worsening condition, detereoration without any hope of recovery led her to wish for the relief of death. She had been caught a couple of times at the home she was in, fallen out of her wheelchair, having hit her head and on other occasions, observed to lean far from her chair, in the general area of being able to hit her head. I think these were attempts, although feeble, at killing herself. Whatever misery she suffered made her long to die and at last she had it. Now her misery is at an end and she doesn't suffer.

Monday, March 7, 2005

Grief progress

The first rip of mourning is having that giant gash torn through your body from head to toe; you are left drowning in your own blood. It's been a couple of weeks now and I'm not drowning anymore. Instead, I puddle about in the pools of bloody sadness. This is a wound that won't heal soon. It runs deep and I wonder at the red that surrounds me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

A Tribute for my mother

My mother died on February 22, 2005, after a long bout with Parkinson's disease. This is about my trip up the day before, after I received THE PHONECALL to come home. At first I was skeptical because she had been in the hospital many time throughout my life, many times we thought it was the end and she managed to pull through. But not this time.

I arrived at the airport at about 3:30pm and promptly went to the hospital where she was about 45 minutes later. My father warned me that she looked really bad and to prepare myself, but I wondered what that really meant....How can you prepare yourself when you really don't know what you're walking into? I was shocked when I saw her, she looked really bad at Christmas but this was beyond even then....she actually looked like an Egyptian mummy....that thin with the same sort of look on her face, just not all dark. I had to keep my personal alarm to myself. She was surrounded by my brother's family, my father, her grandson and all the kids and that seemed to make her a little happy. She absolutley lit up (as much as she could) when she heard me say hello to her. She was completely unable to speak and could not move, so I took her hand. For not being able to move, her grip on my fingers just about cut off the circulation. I talked to her a bit, as much as I could through my shock and just let the feeling of happiness surround us both. I felt like there was nothing else I could really do. After a while, the kids had to go home because of homework and such, leaving the adults there together. We watched TV for a while, then left my brother to sit with her while the rest of us went to eat and come back. I held her hand on & off, a few times I had to pull back to move my fingers about & the nurses came by to tend to her. My father took this opportunity to introduce me to her doctor where I was encouraged to ask questions.

I didn't know what to ask.....what was the matter? He spoke slowly (almost to the point where I fell asleep standing up) explaining that the Parkinson's had progressed to where it was in her neurological system and was shutting her body down. How long? Nobody could really tell....maybe days. Her condition was such that my father had insisted on force feeding her but this wasn't possible because she couldn't swallow and forcing a tube down her throat only caused her great pain. The whole point now was to keep her out of pain. It hadn't dawned on my what was really meant, maybe as a personal defense mechanism to protect me from my own despair. After this conversation, I was back in the hospital room at her bedside, holding her hand. Almost the entire time I was there, tears streamed from her eyes, she seemed just so happy I was there. I had spent a long day on airplanes and in frustration with flight delays and was getting so tired I couldn't hardly function. Everyone else had been there for a couple of days, without sleep and had starting biting at each other. Somewhere around 10:30 we started talking about going back to sleep and I got insistant because I was very tired. I pointed out, after my sister-in-law and father argued about who would stay with her that unless we took care of ourselves, we couldn't take care of anybody else. I was to stay at my brother's and I really didn't care, I just wanted to sleep. Besides, I figured I had a day or two to spend with her still. I kissed her on the forehead saying "Goodnight, Mama, I love you, I'll see you in the morning." I had no idea that these would be the last words I'd ever say to her. We left and I got to bed about 11:30. I phoned my husband to see how he was and he suggested from his experience form his grandfather that I tell my mother how much I love her and appreciate her before she went. I figured out what I wanted to tell her and went to sleep.

Gentle poking barely brought me to conciousness with me seeing my sister-in-law by my bed, I thought for a moment I had slept late and she was waking me to go to the hospital to see mom....but the look on her face was so sad, she could hardly say anything......then she said she didn't want to be the one to tell me (that's when I snapped awake and saw it was 2:15 am). She said the hospital had called.....They had called and said that Mom was gone. I could not comprehend the words (what do you mean "gone" I thought, she went somewhere like to the bank?). "She's gone." All I could do was comply...."ok" was all i could get out of my mouth a few times......"We have to go to the hospital." I don't know if I brushed my teeth, I barely remember getting dressed. It didn't really start to sink in until I called my husbad and my composure faltered. All I could tell him was that I needed him to come up as fast as possible. He was shocked ("what? already? it happened already?").

You never know how you will react to a close loved one's death, much less your own mother's, even if you have accepted that this is inevitable and that she's been in bad shape for years. I was surprised that my personal reaction was rage. I thought I had a little more time. I wasn't angry with her, I'm not sure what my rage was directed at...maybe it was the situation. But I felt rage. In my mind I heard the lonely howling of wolves crying over the loss of one of the pack.

We gathered at the hospital, in her room to see her. She looked peaceful for all the pain she went through. Myself, my father, her grandson, my brother and sister-in-law sat ourselves around her bed to contemplate what had happened.....I stroked her hair one last time and felt the heat leaving her body. It was disquieting to fell her grow cold. I could not cry, I had to wait and be strong for my father, for everyone else. I just felt rage. In between the stunned silent spells between us, we tried to talk about what would have to be done. My husband called intermittently during this, trying to arrange a flight time and unfortunatly, my rage spilled out on him. My father was quick to correct my and my sister-in-law had to remind me that he loved me and was only trying to do his best. It was all a bit of a blur after that....

The rest of the day we all were like robots barely functioning trying to make the arrangements with the funeral home.....I was trying to look after my father, who had it the worst. This was the woman he had been married to for almost 55 years, had built a life with, had children with and did everyting he could to make her happy and now he had to learn to live without her. I took naps here and there but my father refused to. Let me mention now that arrrangements made before death, funeral wishes set down and set up before the inevitable happens, makes things so much easier to handle. The stress and grief that hit the remaining members is so great and so incredible, it really helps to ease the pain to know you don't have to make those choices. Just a few little details had to be settled.

We had to remind each other to eat. My sister-in-law's daughters were very good about having dinner made for the rest of us, I don't think we could have done well without that. My sister-in-law and I picked out a few pictures so the funeral home could make a little video presentation of mom's life and I purposely chose not to include any of the children's photos, which included myself. This was to be about her, not us. This was to be for how she lived adn who she was. I figured that we were a given. I will always stand by that decision. It turned out to be a very lovely little tribute to her.

The funeral home was good about getting the obituary put together, none of us knew what to do.

I was very glad to have my husband arrive, he became a great source of strength and calming to me.

Wednesday was an off day, in the most literal terms. Most everything had been taken care of, the flower arrangement was to be of yellow roses because she loved those (she told me often). I did the most morbid thing I have ever done in my life, I picked out a brand new dress for my mother to be buried in. I picked out a new dress and undergarments to lie in the ground on my mother's remains for the rest of days. Everything became so surreal and strange. I took great pride in the dress I did pick, I thought it was perfect. It was a lovely teal dress with a sheer overcoat, the kind she would have worn to the parties she used to go to or host. I wanted her to look pretty for the grand party she was going to.

She would have been pleased with her wake. The immediate family arrived an hour before so we could have our time. She looked very beautiful, her hair all done up and her favorite nail polish on. I kept picking little hairs off her, sweeping little flakes off her garment, keeping her just so. It was heartbreaking in a dull, deep sort of way. I couldn't stop fussing about her. I told mama goodbye and that I finally won, I always told her she looked lovely in teal and would have her wear it at the end. Her casket was in her favorite color, light blue. I swear she looked like she would leap up at any moment and laugh at us all that she had pulled a good joke. After a while, the visitors began to come. My father greeted them and talked with them, these first few people I did not know and I felt frozen anyway. As more people arrived, people I did recognize, I almost felt my mother's hand push me along, that I needed to get in and help them to feel comfortable; after all, my father couldn't handle them all.

So I put on my smile and did my best to talk to and introduce myself to everyone. She would have been so pleased to see that EVERYONE came for her. It was a comfort to hear the older people talk about her, even share a laugh. They all loved her dress and the presentation about her. They all enjoyed the wedding photos of her and dad that we had up. They all loved the ceramic bust I had made of her in high school. I think she would have been so very happy to know that they were all there to say goodbye.

Later that night, at my niece's house, the family gathered and were all talking. The children, understandably, were playing games because things like this don't necessarily concern them and can be boring. They don't have to deal with this sort of thing yet. I taught them the poking game the night before (I thought I had come off as a big nerd because they seemed stunned by it) and it had become a big hit. One of my niece's daughters, who is about 12, took a liking to me and my husband and took great delight in playing the poking game, even running the gauntlet right next to us, not knowing if we would poke her or not! She turned out to be a great source of comfort at the funeral.

The funeral. The finality of all finals. It was a big, traditional catholic send off. This was where I had to be strongest of all, my father lost his composure and just cried like I had never seen. I held him, I held his hand, I gave him all the tissue I had. I could not cry. He was just so vulnerable, the strength sapped from him. His whole life was gone. This was the weakest moment for him. I could not feel for myself, I had to be for him.

This little girl I mentioned earlier was the most remarkable person I had ever seen, especially at such a young age. When we came into the church adn the casket was wheeled in, she came over and stood by my father and me. Her bright little face was so comforting and soothing. It was so dear to have her by us at that time, I don't think she'll ever know the great service that she did for us that day. When the funeral service ended and everyone separated to their cars for the procession out to the cemetary, this bright spirit bounced over to our lead car and hopped in with us. Her mother thought she had made a mistake or was upsetting us with this and came over, but I told her that her daughter was welcome to ride with us if she wanted to. So this little flower of joy rode with us to the cemetary and told jokes and all sort of happy things. For a moment, those of us in the car forgot our sorrow. We saw through her eyes the rays of hope and the joys of life. She will probably never know how much that meant in that hour. It made the thought of burying the woman who bore me life and raised me, taught me right from wrong, supported all my weird little phases and artistic temperments just a little more bearable. My rage was lessened and I shall never forget that.

My turn came later that night, when I had to cope with the thought of my mother lying underground in the cold hard dirt, never to return. I remembered the first time my parents went out without me, when I was about 18 months old. They left me behind with a babysitter. I remember them saying goodnight, to be good and that they would be back soon and walk out the door. I stood at the door watching them leave and as the door closed I cried "MAMA!!!" The babysitter distracted me from my distress and of course later, my parents came back. But that night after the funeral, I was reduced to a crying 18 month old again, wailing at the door for mama. This time she wasn't coming back. I looked at the moon and thought about how cold it was and here lying in her coffin in the ground. I could not bear the thought. I was a grown woman at that door where mama had gone and I couldn't see her again. I cried until I was a raw husk inside.

It's a week later and it's still raw inside. I still cry now and then. I suppose I will for quite a while. I thought I was doing alright until I got out in public, seeing people going about their regular lives. Everything is so surreal and strange. I am so sad, it is a dull, deep pain that language has no description for. I guess one can't really understand until they lose someone they love, you don't really know what it is like or how it will be. Grief is something we all have in common, we are destined for it and yet it is such an individual experience. It is only at this point that one realizes that grief is something you have to learn to live with, an experience that is a part of who we are, what makes us human. There's a difference between those who have lost deeply and those who have yet to. It is unexpainable, it can only be experienced.

Mama, thank you for all that you have done for me, for all the sacrfices and heartache you went through on my account, for all that you taught me. I am a better woman and human being for it. I shall carry these things always and do my best to make your memory proud. I love you and I know you shall always love me, without fear, without shame, and maybe with just a little prejudice because I am your only daughter. You no longer suffer and I hope that great party you have gone to is everything you wanted it to be.

My last visual of my mother came at the end of the funeral service, when incense was being wafted about her casket. I saw her walk up to where all the ones who had gone before waited for her. Aunt Fan, Bill, Uncle Bill, Milt, Paul, Grandma Totten, Grandma Stevens and all the rest greeted her with screwdrivers and champagne, just like she always wanted, ready to include her in this fabulous party in her honor. She turned to me, dressed in her beautiful teal dress, looking happy and healthy as she had been in her better days. She smiled and waved. Then she went with them laughing and joking all the way into the mist. And that 's the way it should be.

Grace Eleanor

Monday, February 28, 2005

Welcome to the Spin Sycle!

This is my brand new site all about me, SpiN! It's the SpiN SycLe, with all the irritating wackiness that goes on in the world....like, what is up with the two separate idiots who nearly hit me while I was driving today!!! Nobody told me that it was open season on SpiN!!! I need to get the memo next time!!!